The Anti-Vaxer Agenda

With COVID-19 vaccinations on the rise across both the nation and our beloved campus, the
staff of the Radish have noted the near institutional-level suppression of one minority’s
culturally-rich message. As public servants, the men, women, and non-gender conforming
members of this publication refuse to stand for this slanted misrepresentation currently being
perpetuated by mass media. We firmly believe that serious journalism requires the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth. In order to pursue this righteous cause, we sat down with
Barry “don’t stick me with that” Smith, the current EIC of fellow campus news outlet, the
Spectator, and VP of W&L’s College Republicans.

CB: Thank you for joining us today, Barry. We at the Radish are eager to give a voice to your
woefully underrepresented cause.

BS: Thank you for having me. It’s an honor to be interviewed by such a distinguished
publication. Your articles are my go-to when stuck in a long dhall line or taking a particularly
troubling shit.

CB: That means a lot. Let’s get right to it. Why don’t you speak a little about the agenda of your
new student organization, Anti-vaxers Anonymous.

BS: Sure. We really just want to provide a safe space for our brothers and sisters out there who
don’t feel heard what with all this scientific jargon flying around. I mean, one day the CDC is
telling us that masks keep us safe and the next they’re insisting we need some “vaccine.”

CB: You seem to be hesitant about the implications of this “vaccine.” Can you elaborate on your
specific concerns?

BS: We have no idea what this vaccine will do to us.
CB: Other than… grant immunity to the current global pandemic that is slaughtering our
populace and crushing our economy?

BS: But what are the long term [emphasis added] effects? Nobody knows. I mean, it could just
be microchipped saline injections Biden is using to track us.

CB: Insightful. How do you respond to the medical professionals directly observing benefits of
the vaccine and reporting rising immunity statistics?

BS: Those are just words and numbers. They don’t really mean anything. I care about the
people, and the people need to know that their God does not want them putting such unnatural
materials- by this I mean the saline/microchip injections…

CB: Of course.

BS: In our holy flesh temples. The Bible says that only sinners become sick and die. My Aunt
Deborah died of COVID because she had premarital sex as a teenager, so she was being
punished for being a whore.

CB: I’m sorry for your loss.

BS: My cousin, Vinny, he got the vaccine, and lo and behold a few short months later my
grandmother hears that his female peers have started referring to him as “the tripod.” We can
only assume he has secretly grown a third autistic arm.

CB: The arm is autistic?

BS: That’s why he’s hiding it probably.

CB: Interesting. Well, Barry, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have, but this has been a truly
eye-opening discussion.

BS: It’s always a pleasure to speak about this cause, especially to the less educated. Hopefully,
in the near future, the public will see the error of their ways and we can all live happily in a
vax-free world.

CB ’23