Leyburn Redesign Leak Reveals Plan for Massive Dumpster to Store All the Books

The university community was surprised by the release of plans showing that when Leyburn Library is remodeled in 2035, it will feature a large dumpster outside to store the University’s collection of printed materials.

“Being ‘not unmindful of the future’ means constantly reimagining the ways that our students can be at their best, and to that end the committee concluded that books themselves were no longer integral to our library,” a spokeswoman for the school responded. “The dumpster itself will be tasteful and consistent with the new façade of the library.”

Taking the books’ place will be a food court on Level 2, a weight room for the football team on Level 4, and office space on Level 3 for the planned 250% increase in deans to be hired over the next 15 years. The administration expects the new library to look spectacular in packets mailed out to prospective students.

“No books? Nice,” Freshman Tyler Flanders declared upon receiving the news.

The head of the committee tasked with developing the plans was not available for comment, as this summer he left to take a higher-paid position at another college. The spokeswoman noted that he cannot be held fully responsible, as his focus during the committee’s time together was more on his job search than the future of the library or university.

CH ’21

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