Area junior makes uneasy “Freshman Fifteen” joke to downplay growing gut

Awkward laughs ensued this past Wednesday night as junior Winston Kingsley dropped a painfully real joke amongst his Sigma Alpha Delta fraternity brothers.

“Gotta make sure we drink that Busch Light,” he laughed as he filled his solo cup with some fine libation, chorusing that “empty calories are basically zero calories, right?”

His friends laughed nervously; they knew the sad developments of Winston’s BMI. Winston had come to college a scrawny young man. But, while his freshman year’s heavy drinking was balanced by frequent visits to the gym, his sophomoronic laziness, aging metabolism, and development of “real-world issues” only exacerbated his drinking habits. His below-average six pack had fallen to the dreaded dad bod.

“We wouldn’t want to get that Freshman Fifteen, now would we?” He guffawed while slapping his slightly jiggling belly.

– Chris Baumgarten ‘19